Sunday, December 20, 2009

Lawyer Claus

It's definitely that time of year again.  You can tell that the holidays are upon us by the way hard working Americans cram a month's worth of work into two weeks, stretching the limits of sanity to the brink of snapping.  Of course, some do snap.  But the purpose of this entry is not to probe the what-for of our collective insanity induced by trying to do too much in too short amount of time, but rather to dish out a few justly deserved presents.

First, for the teabaggers and their de facto leaders at Fox News.  Man, these people really hate government, or at least a government under the executive control of a black Democrat.  My mind still boggles at some of the rich signs these folks were holding up at rallies over the last year.  My favorite was, "Keep Government out of my Social Security."  If you do not instantly recognize the irony of that statement, you might consider using drugs--it couldn't impair your cognitive abilities worse than they are already.

One woman being interviewed by author Max Blumenthal at a spirited teabagging stated the purpose of her participation was because she wanted government out of her life, period.  When pressed to expound, she repeated the injunction over and over.  If no government is what you want, then I give you its alternative:  anarchy for the U.S.A.  Irrespective of naughtiness, my gift to the folks at Fox balls and their teabagging devotees is a pair of Doc Martens and hair clippers so that they can all give each other mohawks.  Rock on!

The religious right's faith in the singularly literal interpretation of an ancient text written by men who thought the world was flat is unwavering.  I admire people that can stick to a certain perspective despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Most astonishing though, I am chilled to the bone that the one thing the religious right wants more than anything in the world is the total destruction of planet Earth.  So, my gift to them is Armageddon and the rapture.  Go out to a hill somewhere in God's country, and wait, while modernity chugs along without you.  However, this is a bit of a gag gift.  It's not the people who subscribe to the idea that the world is 14 billion years old that are going to get left behind.

As a subset of the same category as the religious right, I have a very special gift for advocates of abstinence only sex education:  STD's and more kids than you can reasonably afford.

Oh, and look here what we have in the bag.  I have a gift for those mad geniuses on Wall Street for whom too much wealth, at any cost, is never enough.  They are the only beneficiaries of anything that approaches socialism in the United States.  Our taxes insure that they continue to make outlandish bonuses as they devise ever more complex schemes to screw us in return.  Wall Street executives get locked in a room for twenty-four hours with a gaggle of stinky World Trade Organization protesters, armed with tazers--no cameras, or other recording devices, allowed.

Let's see.  Reaching into the bag, rummaging around...I know it's here somewhere.  Yes, there it is.  For the health insurance industry, you get the bird.

As for the rest of you, all I have to give is infinite patience and an excuse to laugh at anything that might be spun as remotely humorous.

Ho, ho, ho!  Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.    

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