Stewart Employs Some Really Becked-up Logic.

The introduction:  It's a matter of life and death, so watch it.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Intro - Progressivism Is Cancer
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Bert the Nazi is infiltrating our children's minds with cancerous thoughts:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Conservative Libertarian
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

A Clockwork Beck, Thursday

After four days of what amounts to self-inflicted torture, I could feel a gloominess pervading my spirit.  At the grocery store, in the courthouse, at Pet Smart, at the gas station, all the people at those places, all around me--how many of them were shit for brains Beckerheads?  How many of them carry on their daily lives with an air of normalcy, yet inside incubating and cultivating terrific fears that the government is in the hands of a baby-killing, Socialist Satanist?  How many of them are just waiting for the day that their man-boy hero gives them the go ahead to start rioting and kill all the liberals and take back liberty and freedom?  

That guy at the other pump, was he one of those nuts that went out and helped to empty the shelves of ammo at the gun shops after Obama was elected?  The woman in front of me, checking out at the express lane, does she believe that Democrats in Congress really want to kill her grandma fucking dead, just for the hoo-ha of it?  

It's them or us, man, I told myself.  They're everywhere, man.  They're coming to get me, maaaaan.  I abandoned my grocery cart and made a run for it, and didn't stop running until I had made it home, and hid myself in the darkest closet in the house.  I rocked back and forth, sucking my thumb, thinking evil thoughts, with a 1.75 liter jug of Dewar's within reach. 

Thursday:  I don't know how much more of his this lunacy I can take.  Glenn has an audience!  The bleachers are packed with white Beckerheads, that are unusually quiet as butter nuts drones on about government take over, and the end of the world as we know it.    Glenn, in his typical fashion of running up to the edge of inciting a riot, warns the crowd that the bill about to be passed is not about health care and education.  In his words, "it's war."  Glenn say he thought and prayed about all of this shit last night, but then doesn't really explain what he thought or prayed about.  He shows film of rioting in Greece, fires blazing in the streets.  Glenn smirks, and points out, we're next.  He is segueing from one non sequitur to the next so fast, I get vertigo and have to take a spirited swig from the bottle to make the room stop spinning.  Glenn suggests that when this health care bill passes, we will be slaves to the government, just like what happened to the Soviet Union.  I have no idea what in the fuck he is talking about.  Paranoid assertions, followed by life-threatening extrapolations based on the underlying premise that progressives are really Stalinists who have nothing but hate in their hearts, are coming at me so fast I can't keep track of his delusional brand of logic.  Glenn shows a pretty picture of an apple tree drawn on a chalk board.  He explains, it's the tree of liberty.  On one side is health care reform.  On the other is ego, lies, and something else equally awful that the American public is being fed.  He explains these trees used to have apples that had three seeds in them--faith, hope and charity!  Progressives are poisoning the the tree of liberty at the roots.  Ben Franklin would be ashamed.  Fuck this!  

I turned the television off and went back to the closet to drink in darkness where my wife found me three hours later passed out, muttering, something about apple trees, Greece, butter nuts and Bolsheviks.  She called her mother. 

A Clockwork Beck, Wednesday

Slowly coming to, I rolled in bed towards my wife's side and reached around her for a fervent morning snuggle, copping two handfuls of love.  I felt her shift and roll over to face me.  This might be my lucky morning, I thought.  Opening my eyes I found myself nose-to-nose with Glenn Beck.  "Hey, sweetie," he said in that buttery smooth voice of his.  Throwing the covers off the bed, I bound to the floor screaming in fear.  I woke up panicked and covered in sweat, as I bolted up right.  Cautiously I leaned over my sleeping wife to make sure it was her in bed with me, not the mad, half-wit, Glenn Beck.  It was just a  nightmare. 

Wednesday:  The man-boy with the golden buzz cut is accusing Representative Dennis Kucinich of having a "wee, elfin body."  You're one to start poking fun at the way someone looks Glenn.  Look at him.  Glenn has girlish hips, a small crotch and a fat, irritating face.  He is the embodiment of the kid in grade school you wasted no time laying out flat with a good smack to the gob the first time he came up to you talking a heap of smart-aleck horse shit.  If health care passes, we'll be like Canada, Glenn warns.  Why's that so bad?  Glenn and all of his semi-retarded fans know, Canada is full of Marxist pussies--it's just understood.  No wonder Canada produces some of the best comedians. Glenn sounds the alarm that the IRS will be in charge of health care if the bill reaches the president's desk.  The major theme running through all of his shows is that government is both hopelessly incompetent and explicitly malicious, which is my exact impression of Glenn after these three long days.  Our health care system is the best in the world, according to the golden man-boy, because our top five hospitals conduct more clinical tests than all the hospitals in Canada, Great Britain and Sweden.  If I understand, unnecessary tests are a big percentage of present health care costs, because that's what the insurance companies pay for--tests and procedures, not outcome.  Blah.  Tort reform is the answer, Glenn insists.  Right Glenn, kill all the lawyers, and all that tired crap.  2% of health costs are captured by tort actions.  Why?  Because doctors and hospitals sometimes fuck up.  Right on cue, there is good ol' uncle G. Gordon scaring the shit out of already scared and angry, over weight white people, tuned in all over the country, to buy, you know, gold.  Glenn declares that the U.S. has the "greatest free market health care system the world has ever seen."  And I would add, and damn near the only free market health care system among first world countries.  That's why we are number thirty-seven overall according the those pinko-commies at the WHO.  Glenn points out that Obama's damnable family tree is full of Marxist, therefore Obama is really a Marxist, though closeted.  The red scare is alive and well in the curious mind of Glenn Beck.  The federal government will lie, cheat and steal from Americans if the health care bill passes, says Glenn.  [Drum roll].  And your quote of the day, straight from the pouty lips of the most odious little prick in the known universe:  "Only logic, reason and honesty will save health care."  I just want to lay my head down and cry, or, in the alternative, tazer myself unconscious.  Glenn states that congress is breaking the rules by using congressional rules to pass the health care bill.  Another gold commercial, and Barry Goldwater, attorney-at-law, with a one-eight-hundred number soliciting tort cases.  What ignorant fuck-wad at Fox let that one slip in?  More crap; too much for my mind to capture, hold and purge at this point.  Another gold commercial.  And Beck closes, not missing the opportunity to take one more snarky jab at our Democratically elected Marxist-in-chief by taunting him to pick up the phone and give him a call.  I wonder how many dinner parties Glenn has been thrown out of, head over ass, resulting in a protective order being placed against the creepy little bastard.

My once contentedly functioning cerebral cortex throbbing in disarray, I turned the television off and made straight for the Dewar's.  Shudder, gulp, shudder.  Sitting at my computer I googled, "how to become a Canadian citizen."

A Clockwork Beck, Tuesday

The Engineer would have none of it despite my whining and pleading to him on the other end of the phone.  He did hint that he might take over the duty of watching Glenn Beck for the rest of the week if I would agree to baby sit his children every weekend for an entire month beginning Friday.  I conveyed to him the unacceptability of the proposition by hanging up.

Upon arriving home I searched the house for any diversion possible to occupy me in an act of dereliction of duty.  The clothes were folded, the dishes clean and put away, the toilets gleaming and minty, and the yard still brown and in no need of mowing.  There was no available excuse to avoid another lost hour and an inevitable dampening of my spirits.  I did consider one other thing I could do instead, but knew my wife would be home soon, and concluded it would be slightly less disconcerting for her to catch me watching Glenn Beck than perusing www.milfswithgargantuanfakefunbags.com.

I summoned all the bravery I could muster, and hit play.  

Tuesday:   I guess Faith, Hope and Charity is the theme of the week, since fuck face can't quit talking about it.  A passing reference to Democrats as "snakes and cockroaches" in reference to their efforts to pass health care, and overcome the party of No.  "Besides the military, tell me what government does well?" the bastard implores, his eyes wide with daring.  Oh let's see, roads, schools, libraries (where Glenn claims to have educated himself after dropping out of high school), the justice system, disease control, and a thousand other things.  Glenn introduces a panel of three white men.  A cantankerous old bastard that used to be a judge, a frat boy economist, and a pencil-neck Jesus freak.  It is quickly understood that they have a shared hatred of government, and I suspect particularly when the executive is in the hands of a black Democrat.  Judge Napolitano the Cantankerous, suggests that Senator Schumer wants the Bill of Rights repealed.  But, if you want to do away with government, that's as good as place as any to start, your honor.  Glenn comments that passage of health care will guaranty government intrusion into our homes, and then makes this alarming declaration:  "Democrats want people to have fewer babies," the implication being that liberals sanction abortion to satisfy their insatiable lust for the death of the vulnerable and young. I consider punching myself in the dick to make sure I am really awake and this isn't just a fucked up dream.  Thank God!  I never in my life thought I would be so happy to see G. Gordon Liddy pushing gold.  More crap about Faith, Hope and Charity.  I still have no idea what mythic significance these words have for Glenn.  Another gold commercial.  David Barton, the pencil-neck Jesus freak says that liberals misplace faith in government, instead of God.  And this zinger:  "Social justice should be delivered by religion, not government."  Right, Barton.  Close the courthouse doors, get out your pitch forks.  Grab the noose, Cleetus.  It's time to do the work of the Lord.  What an asshole!  Another commercial break, but no gold.  Just a plug for The Teaparty Express coming to a town near you.  I can't fucking wait.  As Glenn sees it, the passing of health care is a constitutional crisis.  The judge opines that faith is being destroyed by government.  Barton accuses the administration of obfuscating facts.  Oh the goddamn irony.  Glenn closes with, "Faith, hope and charity come directly from God to you, to give you the spine to stand up."  Uh, yeah, sure.  The last gold commercial.  Stop.  Erase.

After another hour gone for ever, I imagined this is what it must feel like to have an out-of-body experience, and to have visited an alternative reality where fact and fiction are indistinguishable, inseparably pureed.  I shuddered, mixed a stout one of Scotland's blended finest, and shuddered again.  Only three days to go, I consoled myself.  Damn my eyes and ears.  

A Clockwork Beck

It was my idea, but I felt something more than a tinge of anxiety about the prospect of executing on it.  I asked The Engineer if he would like to run with it.  Citing chronic indigestion, he declined.  So, the matter fell to me, The Lawyer.  I reached down in my pants, verifying that I still had a pair.  I did.  

I determined to watch Glenn Beck's show, on Fox News, for a week and report on it.  Picking up the remote, I noticed my hand just barely shaking.  Reminding myself that merely watching a program on the television could not harm me, I took a deep breath, puffed my chest, and steeled myself, a large container of Tums at the ready.

Monday:  Beck is quoting Thomas Paine; something about standing up to tyranny.  Here, in this context, the tyrant is liberal and progressive government.  It's seems lost on Glenn that the tyrant that Paine spoke of was King George The Insane.  Two very fucking different things!  G. Gordon Liddy is pimping gold in a commercial, reminding everyone that the value of the dollar is going to hell.  Glenn's back, warning his viewers that health care reform is not about doing what's right.  It's not about prohibiting abusive practices on the part of insurance companies hell bent on screwing us all the way to the poor house.  As Glenn tells it, it is a power grab by the Democrats in their demonic plan to take control of the country and deprive every last citizen of their personal freedom.  God help me!  Another buy gold commercial.  With a stack of books next to him as a prop, Glenn rails against the the student loan bill intended to take financial institutions out as the middle men and make college more affordable by eliminating interest on student loans.  Somehow this is evidence of more power grabbing and control mongering by "big government."  Fuck you Glenn.  Thirteen years later and I am still paying it off at 8% per annum.  Another gold commercial.  More paranoid prattling about big government and this quote:  "Your rights come from God, not a politician."  I don't even know where to begin in outing the utter fallaciousness of that statement.  Another gold commercial.  Glenn closes carrying on about some twisted crap about faith, hope and charity being the answer, the assumption being that government could never deliver on those things.

I turned off the television, shuddered, mixed a stout scotch and soda to cleanse my mental palate, and shuddered again.  I  doubted whether I could keep this up through to Friday.                 

A sisters gift....

When I was 8 years old, my sister let me play all of her records. It was really my first chance at playing music, especially HER music. Having the power over what I got to listen to! It was great! It seems so outlandishly primitive now, but you would put a vinyl record on a rotating turntable, place the tonearm on the spinning disc, and if the vinyl record wasn't too scratched up, music would play!

I played all sorts of records. She had quite a collection. Several groups from MoTown like the Supremes, Temptations, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gay. She had Steppenwolf, The Doors.Iron Butterfly. EVERTHING! I would listen for hours everyday, over and over again.

But eventually what I loved most would be classified as Hippie music or even maybe "long haired" music like Jefferson Airplane, WoodStock, Country Joe and the Fish, Janis Joplin, Joe Cocker, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Beatles, and Bob Dylan.

Everybody seemed to be singing in protest of the Vietnam war and singing about love and peace. To me, it eventually transcended from just protesting the war to more of a marching call to creating a better world. If only people would make love not war. Reject this society that has created tools to destroy the world and people with the desire to do it. Who knows, maybe people just got tired of being scared of nuclear destruction.

The Merry Pranksters went on their Magic Bus and Timothy Leary was telling everybody to "Tune in, Turn on, and Drop Out". It seemed to peak around 1967 to 1969 with the "Summer of Love" and WoodStock. I followed all that stuff... always after it happened. My sister would talk and talk about current events, the war, all that was happening. I absorbed it like a sponge even though I think I was around 10 or 11 years old at the time.

Things always took a couple of years to reach Oklahoma. I say that not in a 6:00 o'clock news sort of way, as that was just an instant information thing. No, it was more like the general feel of things brought on by the music and the counterculture stuff. By this time, my sister had a Peace Sign hanging from the mirror, beads everywhere, and long straight hippie chick hair.

People were wanting to start a new society with, I guess, some sort of group love energy. Reject all of the current ideas and materialistic things. Just get it together!  I know that it really sounds stupid and naive when you try to explain it, And the fact of the matter is, it was stupid and naive.

By the time I was about 13, I probably was ready to run away to a commune. What a laugh!  I was just a little child!

Along with the stupid ideas, there WAS a sense of hope. Hope and a belief in the common goodness of humanity. Funny, but people actually thought that if only these could be brought together in a group, something new could be created. A new age of society! Everybody would tolerate each others differences and work on a common future where each participant is looked as being equal. Basic human needs, like hunger and health, were taken care of. Seems like some pretty radical "really out there" thoughts, huh?

My point being is that no matter how old I get, I never want to loose that naive optimism. I never want to become so cynical that I feel that it is pointless. I never want to believe that basic human nature will continue to always produce a never ending cycle of have and have nots. Never convince myself that it is right for the same country to have billionaires on one hand and on the other, poor families with starving or sick children. Be complacent when 8 figure bonuses are given to some people, while pink slips are given to others. Be silent while others are treated wrongly by the same people that are suppose to protect them.

That silly naive optimism was the greatest gift my sister gave me. The same will be the greatest I can give my children! Thank you, Karen.

New fish discovered in depths of slime pool.

 A completely new species of fish, called Roublard Le' Carpe, has been extensively studied for several months, revealing several never before seen patterns of co-existence thru the use of confusion and fear.

French scientist, Pierre LaFromage, who has made it his life passion to study the the feeding patterns of this strange fish, submitted several scientific articles describing in remarkable detail the curious habits of this creature nicknamed the "Cheney Fish".

Before an assembly of his scientific peers, Pierre discussed his insights to the bizarre creature during an interview with an American biologist, Herman Mandrake.

"Upon discovering a minnow school, the Cheney will use other larger fish, "Teabaggius Extremis" , to actually capture its prey. The Cheney only feeds on the remainder bits and pieces that are too small for the larger fish to bother with. The role that the Cheney assumes is to create fear and chaos in large schools of minnows, steering them into the larger group of fish that have learned to work together with the Cheney to create a collaboration of feeding. The minnows, with the brains the size of a small bb, allow themselves to be steered into the larger fish, not realizing they are running away from the Cheney because of distorted perception of terror that the Cheney creates by rapidly flapping its lips and nose in a rhythmic pattern."

"It tis a remarkable masterpiece of fish poetry" said Pierre,worthy of high praise. Like a Chateau de Pibarnon compliments a Chicken Velouté."

"So you have studied this fish for several months in its own natural habitat. Are you to continue with this research, producing more facts about this fish that quite frankly I think looks like a blob of crisco with a nose?" asked Herman

"Mind your own business, American PigDog!" Pierre replied. "I am thru talking to you and your silly court of jesters!"

"I hope that I didn't offend you with my off-handed description of  this fish. If I did, I apologize." exclaimed Herman

"Chantez à l'âne, il vous fera des pets" Pierre replied as he walked off the stage. "It is possible that you will get several more years if you are not careful!"