Friday, November 6, 2009

Prometheus Tooted

“Where’s the John?” screamed the lawyer as he slammed the door open so forcibly that the old door might come off the hinges.  “And you better have a good reason to call me over here. The last time I was here, I got pulled over and had to touch my nose 3 times in a row. You know how I hate the local law enforcement here!” 

“I must admit that they could be assholes, but this is important!”  Do you remember how I told you about an important invention of mine? How it was going to change the world as we know it?

“Oh no, not that again! You made me drive all the way over here for that BS again? Unbelievable!”  The lawyer was already getting his car keys out of his pocket.

“No, wait a second, I finished it and what is more incredible, it works!”

“What? Are we talking about the same thing? Explain to me again about this thingamajig gadget..”

“Well, if you would pay attention this time, this is a motor that draws energy from the air.”

“From the air? No way!” The lawyer said with his usual skeptical tone and eye rollings..

 “Well not exactly from the air”, I said, “but it is easier to explain that way.”

“Well, what exactly is it that it gets its power from?  Tell it to me straight because I got to be in court in 2 hours and I have a feeling that this is going to be my source of laughter while I am driving.”

“Well, it is a motor that derives it power from residual flatulence. It is able to extract minute particles of methane and sulfides and thru a catalytic conversion create energy.  As I spoke those last words , I knew what was coming next.

“BwaaaaHahahahah!”, screamed the Lawyer, “ Let me get this straight, you have invented a fart motor? That is the stupidest thing I have heard ever heard, and I have heard some really stupid, stupid things”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were a JayHawk” I said dryly, knowing this would at least get him to focus.

Suddenly the Lawyer was solemn. “What do you mean by that crack??”  

“Now that I got your attention, let me demonstrate. Follow me.” I lead him into my private “Laboratory”, actually a small red shed I had in the backyard, but that is a minor detail of no importance.

“Here is the next thing to revolutionize the world! I present the Prometheus 1”

I lift the canvas I had over the motor, keeping my eyes on the Lawyer for any kind of response.

“Well, it certainly looks like it could do something.” He said “But let me see it work.” He then proceeded to rip the loudest noise ever and started laughing hysterically. Suddenly the motor lit up and started turning at a blindingly fast speed. The Lawyer was speechless as the motor ran for a good 15 minutes, slowing down gradually and only stopping after a full 30 minutes.  I could tell that all disbelief was dissipating like the bad smell that was there before.

“It’s a trick!” He looks all around the motor for some sort of plug in or battery. “If this is just a motor hooked up to one of those Clapper thingies you see on TV so it would start when I made the noise…”

“No, I swear it is doing what I said. It is creating energy out of air”

“Farts, Farts, Farts!” the lawyer screamed with a maniacal tone. “Do you know what this means? The world will change as we know it! No more Greenhouse gases, Ha Ha,  not even Outhouse gases!” He was laughing hysterically by now. 

“There is only one problem”, I said, “The company I work for will not market it. They feel that because some people are more gaseous than others , this creates a unfair advantage that could disrupt the collective society as a whole. I had no choice but to quit my work in protest. The Prometheus1 will not see the light of day.

“Couldn’t we take the idea? , the lawyer stammered,” and just call it something else? Maybe like GreekFire1 or… or  I don’t know, SOMETHING!”

“No, I am afraid it is over” As a matter of fact, I am thinking of quitting and starting Monday at my new job. You know how there is a train going thru this town every 10 minutes. Well, I decided to work for them. I have gotten used to the train whistle. It seems to have a calming effect on my nerves.  So Monday, I start at LaPetomaine Railways as a railcar inspector. I am out of the engineer business!

“I wouldn’t go to that extreme, the lawyer stated,”Couldn’t you just contact your fellow engineers, maybe start a protest, expose this company you work at for what it is? Take your idea to another company. Just think, with this kind of energy the most gaseous people would be the leaders of society! You could bring societies to their knees, show them how the gassy people are the achievers and should have free reign to rip ones when and wherever they please. It is time for the lactose intolerant, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and spastic colon people to take their rightful place as the movers and shakers of civilization not to be slowed down by the moochers and hangers-on of the world....."

"Easy there lawyer, enough of the soapbox" I said. But still I thought...Funny, this seems like a strange sense of distorted Deja Vu. Something in college I remember reading.....naw, must be the lawyer fumes clouding my thinking. Oh well....

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