Sunday, April 4, 2010


 “Yo Tony! Tony, are you in here?” Charley said. “Boss, I need to talk to you about something.”

Charley “Two Bit” Scarfonso was the lieutenant of the Brasi crime family, second in line for the top spot, a spot that he didn’t want. His motto was “If you’re at the top, you’re the one with the target on your back.”

Just then Tony walked out of the bathroom.  “My sister, love her to death, but she is the worst cook! The worst! How she can mess up Mom’s recipe for Manicotti is the great mystery. Don’t go in there by the way.

So just what did you need that was such a frickin rush? Did you get the Vig from the Lorenzo cleaners like I asked ya?”

“No, Tony! Listen to me! Just like I told you twelve times before, we killed them last month! Remember?” Charley said.

“Oh ya... sorry, I keep forgetting.” Tony lamented on, “Charley,  it ain’t like it used to be is it? Remember when we could just walk down the street and people worshiped us. Money in our pockets, dames, respect!  Remember that Charley? Respect?”

“That’s what I came to talk to you about! Remember my cousin Louie?” Charley asked.
“Louie…Louie…oh ya I remember, the skinny punk who went to college? College boy, ha! What about him?”

“Well, he knows this accountant, and from what he told me, it’s going to be the good times all over, Tony. This accountant has got this scheme to make us all rich bastards. Just like the old days.” said Charley “And the best part of it is, we don’t have to use hardly any of our own money!”

“Accountant huh, what’s this pencil pushers name?” asked Tony

“Well, he is coming over right now so he can explain it all himself. His name is Golden Sack. But he likes to be called Arnie. I think it’s Norwegian or some shit like that.” said Charley

Tony started laughing, “Ha, now that’s a laugh. I gotta tell ya, if I was named Golden Sack…”

Just then the door knocked. Tony nodded for Charley to let him in. Charley walked over and open the door. There stood a person of the most unfortunate genetic material. He was bald on top but his hair went straight out on the sides like a birds nest. He nose was running like a fire hydrant and the rest of him must have been about 98 pounds. But worst of all, the color of his clothes were lime green and looked like they hadn't been changed for a week”

Arnie came in immediately. ‘Gentlemen, I won’t waste your time with the boring chit chat. Let me start right in. What if I told you that you can take a small amount of money, say 1 million dollars, and use that to borrow 60 million?”

“You can do that?” Tony asked “With just a million?”

“Trust me you can, new rules since the 1980’s. You remember, back when you were wearing your Tony Montana white suit.”

“Just like yesterday, baby!  Those were the days..” Tony wistfully staring at the ceiling

“Cmon, stay with me on this, Ok?” said Arnie

Tony snapped out of the daydream. “Great great, so we made 59 million dollars by taking that money? Big deal! That’s the scheme?” asked Tony.

“No, let me finish. You take that 60 million and loan it out to other people. But you choose people that are willing to pay a little extra interest, uh what do you mob guys call it,  oh ya…Vig.  Kapeesh?”

“Are you trying to say capice? Cause if you are, stop it numb nuts.” said Tony. “And hurry it up because I got to hit the can again. My stomach is killing me, thank you little sister.”

“Now this is where it gets good. You take those groups of loans, bundle them together like a….a big plate of spaghetti, you guys know spaghetti, right?”

“Hey, hey, you better show some respect, ya bean counting pile of…” mumbled Tony

“Tony, hear him out. Trust me you’ll like what you hear. He is a numbers wiz, this kid.” Charley said.

Arnie continued ‘Well, before I was interrupted, you take that plate and you turnaround and sell it to some other people. People with a lot of money just sitting around collecting dust. We call it in the accounting biz asset based securities. These guys love this stuff because they can make a lot of dough, a whole lot more than normal. “

Tony interrupted again “That isn’t a scheme! We could just loan the money to these people and get the interest ourselves. What do we gain by having these people?”

“Think about it, Tony. You are getting Vig from 60 million dollars of loans and you only put up 1 million dollars!” Charley enthusiastically said.

“Now this is the best part!”  Charley continued. “Because we are the ones that bundled up this plate of crap, we can group the bad loans together and sell those to investors, telling them they are pure gold rated. My cousin owns a company that will rate anything we say as a creampuff.”

“Now tell them the best part, Arnie. You got to hear this boss!” said Charley

Arnie went on with his explanation. “Because we know which one is the bad plate of noodles, we can take out some insurance that will pay BIG time if that plate, er… I mean securities package fails. It's called a Credit Default Swap and it is completely unregulated. Are you dirty rats with me?" Arnie said with his best Cagney accent.
Charley glanced at Arnie with a "shut the hell up, are you crazy?" look. Arnie slunk down in his chair.

“Cmon, you can do that?” Tony said “How much does it pay?”

Arnie blurted “How does 1000 times what the loans were worth sound to those ravioli ears of yours?” He instantly wished he could take the words back before they finished coming out of his mouth.

Surprisingly, Tony didn’t react with anger. He seemed to be immersed with the idea, mulling it over in his head.

Suddenly, Tony burst out laughing. “Cmon kid, what do you take me for? That has got to be the most cockamamie scheme I have ever heard! And let me tell you, I heard them all. Plus if that ever happened, the government would be all over us like old Charley here is on my Mother’s plate of fresh Cannoli . The Feds would never allow something like that to occur. But, I have to hand it to ya kid, nice try. Now get the hell out of here, I got an appointment with the porcelain gods. Charley, see Mr. Gold Sack here, that name just kills me, out the door. And then bring me a magazine or something, will ya? I have a feeling I may be busy for awhile.”


  1. I like it guys, glad I came by!
    buona sera!

  2. Yah....good and way too true! Little did the crooks know that they were just penny ante bums compared to real crooks on Wall Street.