Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Clockwork Beck, Wednesday

Slowly coming to, I rolled in bed towards my wife's side and reached around her for a fervent morning snuggle, copping two handfuls of love.  I felt her shift and roll over to face me.  This might be my lucky morning, I thought.  Opening my eyes I found myself nose-to-nose with Glenn Beck.  "Hey, sweetie," he said in that buttery smooth voice of his.  Throwing the covers off the bed, I bound to the floor screaming in fear.  I woke up panicked and covered in sweat, as I bolted up right.  Cautiously I leaned over my sleeping wife to make sure it was her in bed with me, not the mad, half-wit, Glenn Beck.  It was just a  nightmare. 

Wednesday:  The man-boy with the golden buzz cut is accusing Representative Dennis Kucinich of having a "wee, elfin body."  You're one to start poking fun at the way someone looks Glenn.  Look at him.  Glenn has girlish hips, a small crotch and a fat, irritating face.  He is the embodiment of the kid in grade school you wasted no time laying out flat with a good smack to the gob the first time he came up to you talking a heap of smart-aleck horse shit.  If health care passes, we'll be like Canada, Glenn warns.  Why's that so bad?  Glenn and all of his semi-retarded fans know, Canada is full of Marxist pussies--it's just understood.  No wonder Canada produces some of the best comedians. Glenn sounds the alarm that the IRS will be in charge of health care if the bill reaches the president's desk.  The major theme running through all of his shows is that government is both hopelessly incompetent and explicitly malicious, which is my exact impression of Glenn after these three long days.  Our health care system is the best in the world, according to the golden man-boy, because our top five hospitals conduct more clinical tests than all the hospitals in Canada, Great Britain and Sweden.  If I understand, unnecessary tests are a big percentage of present health care costs, because that's what the insurance companies pay for--tests and procedures, not outcome.  Blah.  Tort reform is the answer, Glenn insists.  Right Glenn, kill all the lawyers, and all that tired crap.  2% of health costs are captured by tort actions.  Why?  Because doctors and hospitals sometimes fuck up.  Right on cue, there is good ol' uncle G. Gordon scaring the shit out of already scared and angry, over weight white people, tuned in all over the country, to buy, you know, gold.  Glenn declares that the U.S. has the "greatest free market health care system the world has ever seen."  And I would add, and damn near the only free market health care system among first world countries.  That's why we are number thirty-seven overall according the those pinko-commies at the WHO.  Glenn points out that Obama's damnable family tree is full of Marxist, therefore Obama is really a Marxist, though closeted.  The red scare is alive and well in the curious mind of Glenn Beck.  The federal government will lie, cheat and steal from Americans if the health care bill passes, says Glenn.  [Drum roll].  And your quote of the day, straight from the pouty lips of the most odious little prick in the known universe:  "Only logic, reason and honesty will save health care."  I just want to lay my head down and cry, or, in the alternative, tazer myself unconscious.  Glenn states that congress is breaking the rules by using congressional rules to pass the health care bill.  Another gold commercial, and Barry Goldwater, attorney-at-law, with a one-eight-hundred number soliciting tort cases.  What ignorant fuck-wad at Fox let that one slip in?  More crap; too much for my mind to capture, hold and purge at this point.  Another gold commercial.  And Beck closes, not missing the opportunity to take one more snarky jab at our Democratically elected Marxist-in-chief by taunting him to pick up the phone and give him a call.  I wonder how many dinner parties Glenn has been thrown out of, head over ass, resulting in a protective order being placed against the creepy little bastard.

My once contentedly functioning cerebral cortex throbbing in disarray, I turned the television off and made straight for the Dewar's.  Shudder, gulp, shudder.  Sitting at my computer I googled, "how to become a Canadian citizen."

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